In a joint promotional effort by Walmart and Sheets Energy Strips, Latin-American rapper/singer/bald-guy Pitbull agreed to make a public appearance at whichever Walmart in America got the most “Likes” on Facebook. Seizing the opportunity for tomfoolery, a couple of Something Awful pranksters plotted to send Mr. Worldwide to the most remote Walmart in America. David Thorpe and Jon Hendrenby have successfully rallied their online community in support of sending Pitbull to the Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska.
Despite the obviously-rigged outcome of the contest, Pitbull has agreed to make the journey to Kodiak. We’re not sure the Miami-born musician is ready for the notoriously tough Alaskan climate and terrain. We put together a list of Sarah Palin-Approved© (is that joke even still relevant? Ehhn, whatever, I’m leaving it) Alaskan survival tips to make sure Pitbull isn’t mauled by a pack of bears when he visits Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska.
Be Prepared For The Cold
The actual date for Pitbull’s appearance at the Walmart in Kodiak has yet to be announced. This increases the liklihood that Pitbull will be forced to brave the merciless Alaskan winter. Pitbull spends most of his time in the sweltering Miami heat, and think about it — have you ever seen him NOT wearing a suit? As soon as Pitbull’s body enters an area with sub-zero temperatures, he’ll freeze and shatter like he’s been dipped in liquid nitrogen.
During an Alaskan winter, temperatures can “drop as low as minus 30 degrees Fahrenheit (minus 34.4 degrees Celsius).” Pitbull’s going to need to stock up on a full-body parka that will keep him dry as a bone. He’ll also need a portable snow shovel, so he can build a snow structure with tight living quarters, so he can trap all of his body heat inside. Luckily for him, the Kodiak Walmart should have both of these items on hand:
Be Prepared For 24-Hours Of Darkness
In its peak north regions, Alaska is shrouded in 24-Hours of darkness in December and January. If Pitbull decides to pay Kodiak a visit during these months, he’s going to need a weather-resistant flashlight so he can navigate his way around the dark, scary Alaskan wilderness. Again, the Walmart in Kodiak should do the trick:
Be Prepared For Bears
The classic grudge-match: Pitbull vs. Bear. In summer and in winter, around forty thousand bears roam the Alaskan wild. When he’s in Kodiak, Pitbull should be sure to avoid camping near salmon streams, and he should store his food in trees, far out of reach of the wily Alaskan bear population. Unfortunately, Walmart doesn’t offer any bear repellant, or animal-friendly nets/traps, but if for some reason Pitbull is feeling equal parts fearful and barbaric, Walmart DOES sell a Bushmaster M4A3 .223 REM 16″ Patrol Carbine rifle. Yikes.
Don’t Drink The Water
Pitbull should be advised not to drink the water from the mountain streams, and the Alaskan snowbanks. It might look refreshing, but much of that water may be contaminated by Giardia, an intestinal parasite that wreaks havoc on your bowels. Often called “Beaver Fever,” Giardia can be elminited by boiling your water for two minutes. Don’t worry, Pit! Walmart’s got you covered!
Bury Your Own Shit
One of the most critical survival tips of all is something you might not think of at first. When you’re braving the outdoors, Alaskan wilderness experts recommend that you bury your own fecal matter in a shallow hole in the ground. Your shit carries infectious agents, and you don’t want that nastiness seeping into your water supply as the snow melts. Clearly, this is another argument in favour of not drinking the water.
It looks like Pitbull and the Kodiak Walmart is a match made in heaven! With some luck, and a little help from his new friends at Walmart, Pitbull just might live through a cold, treacherous Alaskan night in the wild.
Wait, he doesn’t have to stay outside all night? He’s staying in the Motel, Hotel, Holiday Inn?
This is bullshit.